what im feeling...

now i havent written in awhile...i have so many stories and things to tell that i do plan on backtracking on doing so at some point. right now though, i just want to say how im feeling. how im truly feeling about all this. coming home has given me more of a chance to do so, and being home has been emotional at times when no one was looking. i will not say that this is not an adventure, and a great opportunity, but this adventure is hard to say the least. i came home not just physically exhausted, but emotionally as well. i look at what i have been doing down in chile the last four months with pride, but at times it comes with a cost. but i do realize now, more that ever, opportunities or things truly worth having comes at a cost, and at times, quite a significant cost.
i miss it here. i didnt think it would hit me so hard, but i miss it here so much. i miss my family, friends, the mountains, stability, a comfortable mattress, all the options in the store...i miss not being sick all the time, and it can drive me crazy working all the time towards something that doesnt really seem promising when stepping back and taking in the full picture. i push so much at work to get results in all different areas, many times seeing little to no change that it seems fruitless. i come back home, and i feel in transition. im not here anymore, my home is here, but i am stationed elsewhere. i feel in flux between two different worlds where i am not sure where i am the most fulfilled. not to mention coming home where things seemed to not have truly changed, but under the surface small ripples have formed and people are making movements in one direction or the other. Friends are growing in their marriages or relationships, new jobs are started or the ones they have they are working towards a goal, kids may be on the horizon, and hobbies are being pursued and enjoyed. i dont know where i fit in that. dont get me wrong, im not even close to being ready for marriage or kids, but a relationship would not be bad. but do i really want to give up my options of traveling and doing ANY type of job i want for that at this time in my life? no. but i also dont want to be the one left behind not sure where i can go from here after my time doing anything i want.
my job is a great job to have. it is challenging, and rewarding, and helping me learn every day. it is also pushing me at times to my maximum. i will fulfill my contract, but i occasionally feel guilty for wanting just to stop and do something else. this is a difficult position, with even more difficult kids, and cultural issues, and lack or resources, etc. although this is where i feel i am making the biggest impact, and i am proud of myself for that. as much as all of it can become overwhelming, nothing beats the fact that another young boy who was so badly behaved the first few weeks is now the first to greet me, hug me, and wants to hold my hand. their smiles are worth more i can even put into words. i just need to remember that when im feeling out of sorts.... thanks for reading.
jen

it wasnt so funny at the time continued...

i remembered other anecdotes...

*i was bitten by fleas...yes you read correctly-FLEAS. apparently they can latch on from the dogs on the streets. i ended up with several bites on my legs. they itched so badly!

*i went to get a massage when i first came here since my back was really hurting. this was not really what i would consider a massage. it was like she was rubbing my skin, nothing else. so my skin was very relaxed. she applied no pressure, just a TON of oil...not a good combination.

*every time i took a shower in my new house, the water drained all over the floor. i had to sweep it into the drain every time and that took forever. then my floor would be wet for hours and many times left with puddles. this drove me crazy since muddy shoe prints were always left when the bathroom was used, and the bottoms of pants got wet. i finally stopped taking many showers during the week cause i didnt have time in the morning to deal with water disaster! sometimes i would even wash my hair in the sink just to avoid it. haha. (dont worry, its fixed now)

*one weekend i went to visit my friend mackenzie in La Serena. We went out with her boyfriend Cristian and my friend Luis. We took his car, which had issues starting. We had to push it to get it going and then get in. Well when we went to the bar that night and came back to the car, it just wouldnt start. We pushed forever but the engine would not turn over (is that correct??) Finally, we stopped some more guys and had them help push...nothing. Finally Luis and I were just left to push the car, which we did for quite awhile (even on the busy street). Some guys in a truck stopped and got it started. I guess Cristian wasnt so prepared to drive as we thought. Just imagine me pushing a car at about 1 or 2 in the morning. Laughing? good.

*today one of my teacher aides told me that i looked much thinner. then she proceeded to ask if i was throwing up. ummm i was not sure how to respond to that. so just because im thinner i must be taking drastic measures? haha but thanks for the compliment....i think.

*during one of our crazy rainstorms here, the electricity went out for the day. when my friend and i were walking in the dark to go to a corner store for some food, of course i was the one to step in a big pile of dog poo. oh yes, so great.

*speaking of dog poo, i now have adopted a puppy. (long story, will explain in next blog) and she must sleep inside in my room at night. well potty training if a little difficult, and she is just over a month old, so i get the pleasure of waking up several times a night to clean up after her. this morning i accidently stepped right in her pee. i love her, i love her, i love her...ugh.

It wasn´t so funny at the time..

...but now, at least I can laugh at several mishaps, circumstances, or some of the bad luck that has followed me around in Chile! This is definitely an experience! I wish there was even a better word than "experience." Sometimes it just doesnt seem to sum it up properly. Well, just to name a few of the incidents...

*to start off, let me remind you of the fact that I returned to Chile the same day as the earthquake here...

*which followed me to my region in the North where another earthquake hit less than 100 kilometers away! This time I was nervous!

*I have already been sick...twice

*it rarely rains here, especially once you go further into the Atacama Desert, but it has already rained 4 times and even hailed in my town! People over the age of 50 are saying that has never happened in Vallenar! So apparently at least not in the last fifty years! To top it off, I found out my new room has a roof issue....it leaks!

*in one of my schools, I have broken up fist fights in my classroom between third graders! Oh, and even when I try to break them up or get in between them they dont stop punching (on purpose??)....happened again today as a matter of fact.

*When I was talking to my students about how they need to use their brains, or how they have room in their brains, or just anything about their brains or minds, I was consistently using the wrong word in Spanish! brain/mind=mente mint=menta....oh just guess which one I was using until my friend corrected me! ¨You all have mints right? Well use them please!¨ No wonder they were confused....

*I am constantly, I mean constantly, tripping on the uneven sidewalks here. I wear my danskin clogs all the time, and let me tell you, they do not work well unless the ground is level! I swear Im going to twist my ankle next.

there are many more... ill think of them and add them later.

Even though some crap has happened (just the best word for some of it), I wouldnt trade my time here for anything. Yes, my kids might very well be the death of me, but Im enjoying them. Even as much as they fight and disrrupt my class every 5 seconds, they are still just kids. Some of which have already had some hard times and situations come about in their lives. Im here to help where I can, and in any way that I can.

I have learned patience here; to work within a system I dont always understand. For example, even when the line is going out the door, and they cant seem to have one otherdarn cashier, Vallenar is quaint in its simplicity. Im learning to find enjoyment and laugh at some of the things that drive me crazy. People here are always willing to help, and when they notice you are sad, they dont ignore it. There are so many great lessons to learn here, in a culture that is so foreign, yet with some outstanding qualities.

Oh where to begin?

so since i have been so preoccupied with the whole learning spanish and trying to teach in a different country, ive been horrible at updating! i really should make time to sit down and think through everything. so im going to back track a bit...or more than a bit...

lets start with my kittens (mis gatitos). i think it was about the second or third week here. they were stranded outside near my house and everyone heard them crying throughout the morning. i asked my family about them, but as they know they cant save every animal (or people just dont want to) they told me to let it go. well when i walked outside and looked at them, i just couldnt. despite my allergy, i picked them up and took them to a friend´s house. we tried to feed them some milk with a pipette and clean out one infected eye a bit. I took them to the vet the next day (after a day of classes) and he said they were only about 20 days old. He told me to buy a special milk powder and a medication. I was to feed them every 4 hours and give the medication every 12. I wanted to cry at that point! I was having such an overwhelming time with all the classes that an additional responsibility seemed unbearable, but no one else would do it. There is no animal shelter here, and only special groups help out animals in different parts of the country. anyway, we looked everywhere for the special milk but they only had it for dogs. i would have to order it and who knew how long that would take. the vet said i could mix water and milk together but to try and get the other milk. i just didnt have any more time to spend walking around looking for it. so for the next week, i woke up during the night for feedings, made sure they had their medication, and my family helped out during the day when i was at school. we all became attached to the little guys. since it was around st. patrick´s day, i named them shamrock and clover. unfortunately, they both died about 12 hours apart that weekend. i cried my eyes out. when i saw the vet, he told me it was nearly impossible for them to survive without the mom. thanks for the heads up! after that, i was sick and out of school for a week....

on to other things. school is going much better, but i am still overwhelmed and feeling defeated often. some days are great and i feel the students are moving along, and other days i feel i am starting over. i am gaining some attention and respect of my little ones in the poor/difficult school, but im fighting a battle, along with every other teacher there, that seems to have no victory in sight. these students are DIFFICULT to work with, and some days nearly impossible. today, for example, i actually had to leave my first grade classroom for a few minutes and cry on the shoulder of a colleague. she comforted me and told me she understood. it was so nice to not have someone throw worthless advice at me for once. this class i fear going to every time. there are two students with low intelligence i believe, one who is extremely bright but loves to bother and hit other kids, two other boys who are constantly hitting each other and bothering others, and of course the normal variation of learning abilities in one class. i dont have a list of students who are in integration or have ____ type of issues. so much is by word of mouth or if i can grab a special ed teacher long enough to ask about a few students specifically. this information is not offered up freely, and i need it! in this first grade class for example, i cant maintain enough discipline and attention for more than 5 minutes sometimes without nicolas punching brian, or juan needing to ask a question, or giselle constantly commenting about random things, or cesar playing with a toy, or maria jose taking other students pencils and markers, or little mauricio (who has god knows what issues) coming up front and tugging on my sleeve about some problem or question....get the idea? and this is just one class! today i had kids crying in the corner from someone hitting them; i chased two boys around the school to keep them from strangling one another; and one boy who is such a nuisance i made him stay inside with me for a few minutes during recess, and he was bawling, so i literally grabbed him and hugged him until he relaxed. half of one class had to leave for about 10 minutes because they didnt get their snack during recess and i was not going to have them sit in class and cry about being hungry. im doing my best, sometimes it would be easier to just stop, but somewhere along the way people offer a kind word or advice.

i have countless stories like this, but im learning everyday to do what i can, make a difference somewhere, and try and keep a smile on my face. i do see changes in some students. mainly the ones who caused me so much pain initially, i have worked so hard to get through, that now they help me in class, say hi and hug me when they see me, and they are working in class more. its amazing! if you saw how they acted just a few weeks before!

im going to start some small group classes at a high school, and then 1 or two private classes. im a little overworked right now, but the money will help and i want to do as much as a can. i just need to know when to rest. sometimes, i realize i didnt eat anything, or dont really have the time to sit down. but i would not trade this experience for anything. you just have to hear me talk in spanish now!!!

Work...Sleep...Repeat

So its been about a month in Chile so far. Wow has it gone fast. Dont think Ive been this scattered since student teaching. Let me explain more of what Im doing. Right now I work in 2 elementary schools in different parts of town. Different parts of town also meaning one is known for it´s "excellence," while the other is trying to keep kids from strangling one another or at least awake long enough to learn something. Well, that´s a big exageration, but with some truth to it. :) The first one, the one with an excellent rating, is the school named Ignacio Carrera Pinto (or Escuela 5 as its commonly referred to). This school is in the center of town and is considered the best PUBLIC elementary schools in town. Each class has up to 45 students, so classes can be quite unmanageable at times. The other school is in a part of town that when most people hear its name, they cringe a bit (Vista Allegre). People look at me with surprise sometimes when I say that is where I am working. Now it´s not like kids are carrying weapons to the school or anything, it is just in a tough neighborhood where kids lose their childhood at a young age. It´s a poor neighborhood, where families are divided and/or dysfunctional, and students´ are mostly trying to just get by day by day. Most kids are provided lunch and snacks at school, and I don´t know this for sure, but many probably do not have enough to eat at home. There are many students with emotional and behavioral problems, as well as learning difficulties. I have had students punch each other in class, run out, tell me no and sit there doing nothing. I have students who cannot focus for 2 seconds while others wait for everyone to listen so they may learn something. My first two classes (i have each class once a week) at this school were so maddening. I did not know who had learning or behavioral issues, many times I was alone since the assistant was not there as well. I realized students sometimes did not understand my Spanish and that is why chaos started. But amidst everything, I see kids who are craving attention, love, respect, and someone to tell them ¨good job!¨ I discovered a girl in one of my 3rd grade classes cannot read and therefore cannot write. She relies on her friend to help her with everything. This is only one of the sad stories I could tell about these kids. They have tried my nerves, making me almost want to quit, but I keep going back to try to reach out to each one.

I was sick last week after going non-stop since I arrived, so the doctor released me from work for the week. I recovered in a few days, and then I had time to sleep, plan for classes, and try to get organized.

I have learned to ask for help, say when I´m reaching my limit, and allow myself to be ok with not being ¨perfect.¨ Things do not always go as planned, and with teaching, especially here, I´m learning I need to be prepared for anything and have a back up plan. I have good classes, frustrating classes, and at times I would rather be anywhere else. I just have to remember I can contribute here. I have so much energy to give to these kids.

I want to share a short story about a boy that almost made me go crazy in one class but I somehow (hopefully) got through to him today. In the last class I had with him, I realized he has aggression issues (after he punched someone) is quite defiant (oh you wouldn´t believe) and I was not sure his level of learning. I barely got him to pay attention and constantly was telling him to sit down, or put something away, or not hit so and so. Anyway, I talked with various persons at the school and they all told me that he is a problem, but they didn´t give me much advice (really nothing) . I finally went to observe the head teacher and get some ideas for discipline and order with her class. She was happy that I took initiative to do so, and realized I really was there to help. While watching the class, Felipe (mister wonderful), was being his disruptful self. She was always yelling at him (which is normal for teachers here. I´m even having to yell in class) and he was never hearing anything positive. Finally, I noticed that he has great handwriting and commented on this. He turned to me with a look of surprise and a smile. I had caught him, now I just had to reel him in!
Today in class, the students behaved so much better as the teacher, principal, and various others had spoken with them. Felipe was front and center, and I was determined to have him involved. He participated, wanted to talk as much as he could, answered questions correctly, and put in his best effort at completing his work. He tried so hard! After everything he did well, I made sure he heard positive remarks. After class, he gave me a hug. I wanted to cry I was so happy!

I found out after class his aggression is from physical abuse at home. He will remain there, which breaks my heart, but I hope he seems some glimmer of hope outside of his home.

Terremoto (earthquake) and the terror of starting over (just kidding)

So I survived the earthquake. It was not a huge deal for me at the time, probably since I was so sleep deprived to truly realize the catastrophe of the situation at that point. Apparently it was one of the strongest earthquakes reported worldwide, but thankfully did not cause as much damage as in other places. The Epicenter was 3 hours south, so Santiago was hit hard. I was in Santiago, staying with my friend Laura, in a part of Santiago called Las Condes. This is one of the nicer areas in Santiago, meaning the Chileans with money live here, so much of the architechure is built to code and built to withstand earthquakes. At the time it happened, we were actually in a disco dancing, so it took a minute to realize the floor was actually moving. Laura and I were quickly pulled by the two guys we went with to a stronger structural part of the building. Walking straight was impossible, we were just trying to keep our balance. We waited for it to pass, and then ran out with everyone else. It was a mad rush, with people trying to find cars, friends, taxis, etc. Thank goodness our friend drove so we had no problems leaving. We went to check his parent´s apartment since it was on the 16th or 17th floor. People living there were pretty shaken up since many things had shifted, and on the higher floors the movement was greater so most things fell. His refrigerator was even on the floor.
From there we were taken to another friend`s house. Her parents welcomed us and we had tea in the dark and went to various beds to sleep. Several people came to meet there. (At this point I had not slept more than 7 hours in about 35+ hours)

The next few days were interesting to say the least. The day after the earthquake stores were closed as well as the metro and buses were not running. Most of everything seemed to go on as normal, people out in the street walking around and driving. But since big grocery stores were closed, we had to wait in line for two hours in a corner grocery. Met a few nice people though! Since Laura´s bf apartment was in one of the buildings as well that had some cracks and damage, he didnt stay there. So the three of us slept in Laura´s bed. so so cozy....

I had to still buy a bus ticket, but I didnt want to venture into downtown on Sunday since things were prob still chaotic, so I waited until Monday. But of course I still needed a cell phone and to let my school know I would be late. Very stressful two days. On Monday Laura was called off work since they had to check the building, so we went to get everything I needed. I left on a bus that day at 4. Arrived in Vallenar at 2 am. Had to wake up at 6 to get ready for my first day. Had to go to the head office to find out my schedule. Im gonna spare the details, but Ill just say it was a mess!

I now have a position at two schools. Last week I visited both (one I worked at before) and had time to plan out my curriculum. No I was not provided books or a real curriculum. I used other teachers´ examples, but Im going it alone! There is another English teacher at both schools, but only one can speak to me in English (this is surprisingly normal). I started classes on Monday, and its been stressful. I had the full class to myself, sometimes assistants were there, but they seldom helped. There are about 40 kids in each class, and they dont understand English, so Im having to translate everything right now, and Im not bilingual! Having all the first graders standing up and hanging on me to check their every step, yelling "tia!," and asking about the bathroom almost drove me crazy! Maintaining control is hard right now, but Im working on ideas to get everything more organized. Right now it all seems to be trial and error.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Ill need it. :)

Travels....

For the last two weeks or so I have been traveling around in the southern part of Chile. We had our closing ceremony for the program on November 28th. It was great to see the volunteers at the end and all hang out for a few days rehashing stories and going out. One night out was really cool since we went to this "after office party" that was in huge disco on the Santa Lucia hill. This place is a famous tourist attraction and this bar only opens up at night. Gates close it off during the day. We were with another volunteer and her Chilean boyfriend, along with a large group of people, so we got in easily and even went to VIP. It was a fun night. I stayed in Santiago for several days, and left Sunday night with my friend Laura (a volunteer in La Serena) and we took an overnight bus to Puerto Varas.
I enjoyed the small town there. Very quaint, and a bit more upscale than other places I have seen. We ate at some great restaurants and found the best pisco sours we have ever tasted in Chile. I even loved a beer for once that we tried at a restaurant! They make a few of their own. We just explored around there and then headed on a bus to Ancud, Chilóe!
In Ancud we stayed at a wonderful hostal with a beach view. The town doesnt really offer much, but I loved the surroundings. We went on a great day tour, walked along the beach, and went in a boat to see the Humbolt and Magellan penguins! They are so cute!
We made the next part of our journey to see the next big town in Chilóe, Castro. There we saw the famous "palafitos" houses that are distinctive colors and built on stilts in the water. We stayed in one that was renovated as a hostal. Nice town with more things to do. We went to a restaurant one night where Karaoke was going on. We actually ended up singing "Wonderwall" from where we were sitting. Haha
We tried to go the next day to a small island off of Chilóe, but didnt plan our time well so we only made it to Dalcahue to browse around for a few hours before heading back to Castro to grab our bags and get a bus back to Puerto Varas to meet another volunteer, Andrew.
We got in late to Puerto Varas, but the next day we went on a hike near the Volcano Osorno for a few hours. But we missed the final bus back to town by 2 hours! because someone...Andrew...thought it left later. Luckily there was a large tour bus in the parking lot. Andrew asked for a ride back and they graciously agreed and would not charge us anything. The only thing was it was a school trip with only 16 year old high school BOYS. So of course with Laura and I with the blonde hair (and the fact her running shorts looked like booty shorts) we got a lot of attention. One boy came up and took a picture, many times we could overhear them talking, not really understanding, but not sure we really wanted to! Then when we got off the bus, they applauded! So funny!
The next day we took a bus to Osorno and then on a local bus out to the campo to a milk farm of Laura´s boyfriend´s roommate´s family. Get all that? Anyway, we spent a few days there at this gorgeous farm with a great family. We got to see the Lecheria, milk a cow, help make cheese, and went on a day trip to Valdivia. There I got to see the huge sea lions sitting on the decks! I was so excited.
Andrew and I continued alone up to Pucón where what we planned on just being a few days has turned into 5. Its such a cute place. Resembles Puerto Varas, but we like it more. Feels more comfortable here with some great people. We went on a beautiful hike about an hour away, I went to do canopy, rented bikes, went to the thermas. Ive really enjoyed it here. I even saw my first shooting star!

We are taking a night bus back to Santiago tonight. Ill be there for 2 days then on a jet plane home!