what im feeling...

now i havent written in awhile...i have so many stories and things to tell that i do plan on backtracking on doing so at some point. right now though, i just want to say how im feeling. how im truly feeling about all this. coming home has given me more of a chance to do so, and being home has been emotional at times when no one was looking. i will not say that this is not an adventure, and a great opportunity, but this adventure is hard to say the least. i came home not just physically exhausted, but emotionally as well. i look at what i have been doing down in chile the last four months with pride, but at times it comes with a cost. but i do realize now, more that ever, opportunities or things truly worth having comes at a cost, and at times, quite a significant cost.
i miss it here. i didnt think it would hit me so hard, but i miss it here so much. i miss my family, friends, the mountains, stability, a comfortable mattress, all the options in the store...i miss not being sick all the time, and it can drive me crazy working all the time towards something that doesnt really seem promising when stepping back and taking in the full picture. i push so much at work to get results in all different areas, many times seeing little to no change that it seems fruitless. i come back home, and i feel in transition. im not here anymore, my home is here, but i am stationed elsewhere. i feel in flux between two different worlds where i am not sure where i am the most fulfilled. not to mention coming home where things seemed to not have truly changed, but under the surface small ripples have formed and people are making movements in one direction or the other. Friends are growing in their marriages or relationships, new jobs are started or the ones they have they are working towards a goal, kids may be on the horizon, and hobbies are being pursued and enjoyed. i dont know where i fit in that. dont get me wrong, im not even close to being ready for marriage or kids, but a relationship would not be bad. but do i really want to give up my options of traveling and doing ANY type of job i want for that at this time in my life? no. but i also dont want to be the one left behind not sure where i can go from here after my time doing anything i want.
my job is a great job to have. it is challenging, and rewarding, and helping me learn every day. it is also pushing me at times to my maximum. i will fulfill my contract, but i occasionally feel guilty for wanting just to stop and do something else. this is a difficult position, with even more difficult kids, and cultural issues, and lack or resources, etc. although this is where i feel i am making the biggest impact, and i am proud of myself for that. as much as all of it can become overwhelming, nothing beats the fact that another young boy who was so badly behaved the first few weeks is now the first to greet me, hug me, and wants to hold my hand. their smiles are worth more i can even put into words. i just need to remember that when im feeling out of sorts.... thanks for reading.
jen